A ballerina is born

Bethany performed in her very first ballet recital on Saturday, May 10th. She looked gorgeous and it was quite a treat to see her dancing to "Going to the Chapel" and enjoying herself on stage. After she'd received her trophy and a bouquet of flowers from her sister and I, she declared it the best day of her life. How precious!

Good news, bad news? No news...

Nothing to report. I haven't heard from James in two days. No phone call (that's nuthin' new since he's only called a total of 6 times in 14 months!!!) and no email (that's rare!). He usually emails every day or even a few times a day, but now I've heard nothing since Thursday morning.

They say no news is good news and I hope that's right. I'm not going to let my mind wander to the worst case scenario, though every one knows what that would be. Every single day of the entire deployment you dread the doorbell because you never know if "green suits" will be at your door. But I'm not going to think that right now.

I'm just going to continue to believe he's extremely busy over there, awaiting their Transfer of Authority. Only after that is complete can he leave Iraq.

And now I'm off to teach my rockin' Saturday morning class. Here's hoping for a massive turnout as I could use the class's energy to boost my mood!

Later on we've got Bethany's very first ballet recital, which I'll post pictures of when we get home. This Momma is gonna be sooooo proud!!! (note to self: put some Kleenex in your purse! LOL)

I spoke too soon

As I piddle the time away waiting for LOST to come on tonight (thank you to James for getting me addicted to that show!!!) I sit here thinking about everything I posted about earlier. And the more I think about it, the more the tears well up in my eyes. Why am I so sad? Why can't I feel more joy for my friends' reunions? Why do I feel so sorry for myself?

Well, as I think about it more and more and more (something I should not be doing, by the way) I realize that all these guys coming home now are drawing the same hazard duty pays that my husband is. Hazard duty pay is paid by the month, meaning if you are in a combat zone even one day out of the month, you get the full month of hazard pay. So these guys get the full month of May hazard pay. We're talking about $600 for the month. James will recieve the exact same pay, $600, but yet he has to endure an extra two weeks of combat to get exactly what these guys that are already home are getting. Doesn't seem fair, huh?

But the pay aside, in doing some soul-searching, I think what is tearing me up the most is that with every single minute that he is still over there he is in danger. I still worry that he could be taken from this life at any second. Yes, it's very true that it could just as easily happen here at home. When it's your time, it's your time. But dodging bullets and traveling suspiscious roads laden with IED's certainly seems to increase the danger, don't ya think?

So, no matter how close James is to coming home, every minute he stays in Iraq keeps me on edge. It keeps me fearful of the "what if's," It keeps me worried for his safety and wondering if a reunion is truly in our future. I can never be certain.

And yet my friends have had their reunions and for them that worry is over.

That's what I'm having a hard time dealing with.

I don't think James allows his head to 'go there' with all these thoughts the way I do. It's no good for him to let his mind think about all the injustices when there is a mission yet to be done. He focuses on what he's got to do and gets it done. That's why he's a great soldier. I admire his ability to suck it up and let it be. I wish I were more that way.

Switching topics slightly, as you read this would you please say a little prayer right now for PFC Kyle Little and SPC Blake Stephens who died in Iraq one year ago today. James was honored to know and lead these men and will probably wear the bracelet with their KIA information on it for the rest of his life. May Little and Stephens rest in peace and may their families be comforted on this sad anniversary in the knowledge that they were great soldiers and wonderful men.

I'm sorry this post, and the last one, have been such downers. Having this blog is an outlet for my emotions, and it helps to release what I'm feeling. You may not understand or relate to it, but knowing you all care enough to read is comforting. I know there are people out there who love us and want the best for us, too. Please keep James in your prayers. His family aches to have him home.

Back on track and feeling better

Better is subjective, though, isn't it?

Am I feeling better than I was during my last post when I thought James might not be home until early June? YES. It looks like he will, in fact, return in May.

Am I feeling great? NO.

I see my friends' husbands returning and I'm bittersweet about it. I am so happy that Angela's husband returned last night. Ladies in my classes at the gym have been welcoming their husbands home over the last several days. My friend and battle buddy, Teresa, will pick her husband up at the airport tonight. I'm thrilled for them. They have waited for this day as long as I have. But at the same time I'm sad that I'll continue to wait.

But I know it's not indefinite, God-willing. There is an end in sight. And I know full well that I am not alone in this, however alone it may feel. James will not be alone on his flight coming home. He will be in the company of two or three hundred other heroes, which means all those other families are waiting as long as I am during these final days and weeks. It just feels like each day is an eternity, especially when you're so anxious that it be your soldier that arrives at the airfield that night instead of your neighbors' and friends'.

In other news, the girls are doing fine and finishing up the school year. They will be done on May 28th, though neither one is anxious for summer vacation. Bethany loves school and being around her friends so she's not looking forward to a break from them. Morgan also loves school but is very nervous about entering middle school in August. She'll be a 6th grader at our post's middle school. It is a uniform school which doesn't thrill her, either. I'm sure she'll manage just fine but in the meantime she's working herself into a frenzy over it.

The three of us gals went to Chattanooga, TN with Morgan's Girl Scout Troop this past weekend. We toured Rock City, a cave, and the TN aquarium. They panned for gemstones, too, which was a highlight for most of the girls. All those cookie sales helped fund their trip so it was for a good cause.

Bethany has been in a ballet/tap dance class this school year and will finish off the year this weekend with a performace on Saturday afternoon. How she loves to dance and how badly I wish James would be here to see this. I'll purchase the professional DVD that will be filmed for us so he'll be able to watch it once he comes home. Bethany will be in a gorgeous white, fluffy tutu dancing to "Going to the Chapel." She is thrilled about it. No doubt she'll want to re-join the dance class when it resumes in the fall.

I'm still teaching my class, 7/week at the gym, though I'm having to make some adjustments to my schedule. I've had such a hard time with plantar fascitis over the last few months (since September) and knee problems that have crept up since I began trying to run in January. The running had to be put on hold, which is killing me to have to do, for the last couple months as the knee was just too unstable and I was worried I would injure it so badly I'd have to quit teaching temporarily. The foot problem has had me seeing a podiatrist who has told me I need to teach with less intensity, or take a break from it altogether. After months of trying to do things my way, I finally see that the good doctor is right. I have to listen to him if I ever want to be 100% again. I won't ever get back to running until I get healed completely.

So, I've agreed to alter my class schedule a bit, to take out two of my step classes (high intensity/impact) and substitute those with two aqua aerobics classes (low-to-zero impact). I'm not giving up all my high impact classes--I'll still have 5 of those every week. I'm just switching two out right now to see if that break on Tues and Thurs will be what I need to get my feet feeling better again. I've never taught aqua before, though I have taken aqua classes many times. I've got a lot of homework to do to study up and formulate my class agendas before my first class on the 20th of this month. I'm excited and scared and anxious and nervous all at once.

That concludes this update. Hopefully I'll have more exciting news to report soon.

Love to you all!

Wish I knew, but I don't

I was so looking forward to May 1st. As I went to bed last night I was psyched that this morning, May the 1st, I would FINALLY be able to say my husband would be home THIS MONTH!

Then I checked my email.

James sent me a message saying things are more up in the air with him than they had been. He no longer has any kind of estimate of when he'll be home, but I need to be prepared that he could get put on the trail flight, or worse, the "no joke" flight, which would be the last out of Kuwait.

That means early June, not mid May.

I know nothing is definite until he is on the plane, in the air, homeward bound. (BTW, I LOVE that movie!!!) I know that the end of a deployment can be as unsettling and emotionally exhausting as the beginning. I know that I should anticipate a roller coaster ride of emotions and accept that I can do nothing to change it so I might as well keep my chin up and continue 'soldiering on.'

And yet, that's easier said than done. When you've been without your partner, your lover, your best friend, for so long, all you want is to have them before you, able to reach out for their face, and feel them beside you, knowing the long separation has come to an end. Each day awaiting that reconnection is longer than the one before.

But I will endure. I will continue on. And if James is meant to be one of the last home then I'll accept it. After all, someone has to be on the last flight, right? Someone is always the first to go and someone has to be the last home. As long as he does come home that is all that should matter, right?

I need to remind myself of that over and over in the next few weeks whenever I feel myself slipping into a little pity-party. Other families only wish they would be so lucky as to see their soldier come home on the final flight.

Thank you to all of those who sacrificed it all. May you Rest in Peace and know that we are eternally grateful.

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!!!

I really do try hard not to complain about this deployment too much. I don't try to feel sorry for myself or pity our family for what we endure. James chose this profession and I chose to marry into it. I don't like to dwell on the negatives. I accept that James will need to deploy in order to fulfill his job and I also accept that whatever we go through is because that is what God has planned for us. I try hard to live by the belief that "what will be will be" and "everything happens for a reason."

Now, I'm not saying I'm the most positive person in the world. Far from it. But I do try to keep it all in perspective and not fall into the "woe is me" attitude.

But days like today just make me want to scream out loud with angst. I'm fed up to here (motions towards forehead) with some of the things I've heard and read from other wives and I just need to voice my anger.

There is a particular message board I belong to for other military wives. It is a great group of women whom I have posted with for several years now. A few of them I've met in person, but most of them I only know online. Anyway, a few months ago one wife mentioned her husband needed to make a choice about his future (whether to reenlist or not) and she had lots of reservations about it, mostly pertaining to the possibility he might have to deploy. If he did reenlist, she said they were looking at particular duty stations where he wouldn't have to deploy.

This is not an isolated event. Countless other wives I run into talk the same kind of garbage. They and their husbands are constantly looking for ways to keep from having to deploy.

Now, I'm not saying I'm irritated with the wives whose husbands have already gone to Iraq once or twice and are now looking for a stateside tour that will keep them from another deployment. Far from it. They've done their time. I don't begrudge them wanting to keep their husbands home for a while.

What I'm complaining about are the soldiers who haven't yet gone to Iraq and are still searching for ways around EVER having to go.

On this particular message board there were a couple posts made in the last day or two that really, really got under my skin. One wife was dreading her husband's first deployment, and he's been in the service nearly TEN years!!!! Another was from a wife whose husband is getting ready to go on his first deployment to Iraq (his second deployment ever, if I read that right) in his 20+ years of service.

And then there's another wife whose husband got back from Iraq a year ago, spent nearly a year apart at a school in TX, and now is going right back to Iraq.

What kills me is that certain people skirt around deployments and finagle their way through the system so they never have to leave precious U.S. soil. Hell yeah, I wish James never had to leave U.S. soil, either, but how fair is it to send my husband 3 times in less than 5 years, with a fourth Iraq tour already written on the calendar? And how fair to the wife from my message board whose husband is having to go back so soon after coming back and being in a school?

It seems like a fraction of the military gets called upon to line up in the dump zone, while another portion (I'll call them weasels) get out of it smelling like roses. It's unfair and I'm having a hissy fit over it.

When I read or hear things like this, about avoiding deployments any way possible, you might as well be screaming at the top of your lungs that your husband is better than mine, yours is TOO GOOD for Iraq while mine deserves to get sent repeatedly. If you're actively trying to avoid ever going to Iraq, you're leaving the dirty work to others and you don't deserve to wear the uniform.

So tonight I'm screaming inside while I wish, instead, that I could be screaming THAT at them.

And another one...

...the news is always tragic no matter who, or what, or when, or where. It seems even more so when the guys are less than a month from leaving Iraq. May God watch over yet another Fort Benning soldier's family as they navigate the raw emotions of the grieving process.

And, again, I thank God for the Grace He has shown to James, his CSD platoon, our deployed friends (Mike and Kenny), the spouses of all the ladies I see daily in my classes, and the thousands of other troops anxious to return home to our arms.

Please say a prayer that no more tragedy comes to our precious troops.

Never get too Comfortable

No, it was not an April Fool's joke and that's the sad part.

I woke this morning to find an email from our unit saying that our brigade had suffered a casualty during the night. This is the first loss we've had since last October. I suppose with our soldiers' redeployment so close we've all become a little too comfortable in that knowledge, as if nothing bad can touch them now that they're this close to home.

But for one family the knock on the door they received was not a terrible April Fool's joke. It was tragically real and sad and painful. My prayers are with that family. How heart-breaking it must be to be nearing the end of a horrible 14 month deployment, feeling energized that it is almost over, anticipating the reunion, to have those dreams ripped away from you.

The worst can happen at anytime so live each day as if it is your last, always aware that it very well could be. And have faith that God will see you through.

Book Recommendation

For anyone not familiar with military life, or those who would like a deeper understanding of it, or those who live it and want to read a very interesting book that touches on so much of what we face, I have a recommendation for you. I just finished reading Under The Sabers: The Unwritten Code of Army Wives by Tanya Biank. It is the book that the Lifetime series Army Wives is based on. This book was written after the Fort Bragg murders back in 2004 in which several soldiers returning home from war murdered their wives. I found it a very interesting look at what our lives are like, and most of the time the book was right on the money. In fact, I don't think I've read anything before that so closely captured the understanding of who we are and what we face the way this book did.

I love the Lifetime show, and look forward to it returning with new episodes this summer, but I also find many liberties taken with the storyline. The book, however, didn't seem to take such liberties. It told our story very plainly and without embellishment or exaggeration.

If you do read the book, or have already read it, leave me a note and let me know what your thoughts were. I'm interested to hear others' comments on the story as well as the TV show.

Five years ago tonight...

...I laid in bed, tears silently and slowly trickling down my face, as I listened to our President announce that he had already ordered our bombers to begin striking targets in Iraq. Operation Iraqi Freedom had begun.

Thousands of miles away, James was crossing the berm from Kuwait into Iraq. I can only imagine what must have been going through each of those soldiers' minds. They were no longer at NTC, they were not in the field, they were crossing enemy territory entering a war. They did not know what lay before them, but proceeded to do as their training instructed them, all the while forging ahead towards Baghdad.

James has many stories he shares of those days and weeks that led to an almost 8 month deployment on that initial invasion. He has many more stories that he talks of only around his fellow soldiers that were there with him. And I'm sure he has some stories that stay locked inside. The horrors of war.

Tonight the media officially says it is the five year anniversary of OIF. To hear James talk of it, though, he doesn't believe OIF1 should be considered the same thing as the invasion. He feels he, his men, and his unit were the Iraq Invasion, whereas the units that relieved him months later began the first OIF. Since then he has seen time in Iraq for OIF3 and now OIF5. The guys from his unit that have done all three (the invasion, OIF3, OIF5) have taken to adding a decimal to the end of their OIF number to symbolize how many deployments this makes for the unit. For exmple, this being James' and 3rd ID's thrid deployment to Iraq, they designate this deployment as OIF5.3.

How I dread to think that before too long he'll be going for OIF7.4. That does not have a nice ring to it at all.

In happier news, though, we're in the homestretch (or so it seems) to this deployment. Little by little we've gotten through it and the end is in sight. I can't say for sure when but before summer he'll be home!

As I remember this night, five years before, I thank God that He has watched over James during every single day, watched over us, and been the strength for all of us to make it through.

And I pray that the next five years brings James more time at home than our country has allowed him during the previous five. As proud and happy as he is to serve, sometimes it would be nice to tell Uncle Sam, "Not now, my family comes first for once."