PRESSURE!!!!!!

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves, all the time, for every little thing? We push ourselves to be better, stronger, faster, cooler, braver, thinner, prettier, EVERYTHING! It is insane to think we can ever achieve all that we push ourselves to be, so why do we keep trying?

For example, most of you probably know that my weight has always been a struggle for me. I've managed to lose quite a lot over the last few years, and have kept most of it off. I have, however, let a few pounds creep back on, the result of James returning home and eating out, and also my lack of self-discipline at times. Despite the fact that I am in better shape than I've ever in my life been, and the fact that I can smoke guys at the gym who take my classes, I still zero in on the parts of me that I am unhappy with. I put so much PRESSURE on myself to look a certain way, an unattainable goal, that in the end I become so discouraged that I can't "get there" that I altogether give up what I was trying to accomplish.

Or, another example, in trying to be the best and falling short...I try to join Morgan during her recess time at school a few days a week to walk or run the track with her. Her P.E. teacher keeps a tally of how many laps the kids (and parents, too) do and encourages them to do their best. She has cute little shoelace charms they can earn to mark their 25th mile, 50th mile, and the 100 mile mark. Morgan is aiming for the 100 mile mark as that honor also earns her name on a plaque at school. Her goal is to be the first female to have her name on the plaque. Great goal and one I'm fully supportive of.

Anyway, I had told her that I'd join her today to walk at 11:50. However, I got hung up at the commissary (ever been on a payday? INSANE!) with lines as long as we find at Disney World! lol I was berating myself as I waited in line for taking so long reading nutritional labels. Why did I have to poke around in there so long and now I was running late to meet Morgan at school? Then I was rushing to get checked out as quick as humanly possible so I could still make it for the last 5 minutes of her recess. The traffic lights had other plans for me. I'm fuming at the red lights and the slow drivers. Don't they know I have to get to the school to meet my girl?! Come on people, don't you feel the same pressure I do?

I arrive at the school only to see her class heading in from recess as I pulled up. I was able to get Morgan's attention and tell her how sorry I was. She wasn't upset at all. In fact, a friend of hers had joined her and they'd done laps together, without me.

I felt so much better having gone down there to see her in person, to let her know I didn't forget her. I had been worried that she would think I'd just "forgotten" about her. Again, the pressure to be perfect....the perfect mother, another unattainable standard we aspire to.

Why don't we just let life happen and stop worrying about one-upping someone else, or looking a certain way, or doing everything perfectly? Why the need for perfection?

I see a little perfectionist budding in Morgan and for her sake I have got to do a better. I have to be more mindful of what I say about myself in her presence. In fact, after hearing her say something unkind about herself yesterday, I encouraged her to find some positive things to say about herself to counter the negative comment. Then Bethany and I also got into the mix saying happy, positive things about Morgan and each other and praising all the good we have in us.

That little activity really put a smile back on Morgan's face and reminded me that we should all focus much more on the good and let go of the bad. Sure, I have trouble spots on my body that I wish I didn't have. But I also have very strong lungs, a healthy heart, good teeth, pretty eyes, compassion for others, and arms that love to share hugs. Those are the things I should notice when I look in a mirror, and that is the lesson I need to make sure I teach my daughters.

So starting now I am determined to let go of the pressure to be perfect and embracing who I am and trying to be the most authentic "me" I can be. If that betters me in the process, that is wonderful. Teaching my girls to love themselves for who they are and all their wonderful qualities, that is the goal.

It was a Happy Thanksgiving after all

No matter how many holidays and special occasions are spent apart I never seem to get used to James' absence on those such days. Today was another one of the many holidays we've spent apart, so many so that we've long since quit counting how many he's missed. Sadly, it's probably easier to count the occasions he's been home for since that number would be smaller.

But I digress....

I woke this morning in a somewhat lousy mood. The day just had that feel to it, that feeling of something not quite right, but nothing really wrong. I just didn't look forward to today. Had James been here we would've had a big meal to fix full of some of his favorites, including the sweet potato casserole that he used to turn up his nose to but has since grown to love, making him an honorary Unland after all! With him not home I didn't feel in the spirit to go all out.

A friend of mine, whose husband is also deployed, came over to my house and we fixed a meal together for our children. It was a relaxing day and much better spent with friends that alone. For that I am thankful. I'm so glad I have a battle buddy to help me through this deployment. Teresa has been a lifesaver for me. She was my battle buddy in 2005 when her husband and James were deployed together, and she's here for me now, too. She's my outlet for venting on anything and everything. She's my children's babysitter, God Bless Her, nearly every Saturday morning so I can teach my class. She's my friend with whom I can share some adult conversation when I need a break from children's talk. She's my wake up call when I need someone to tell it to me straight. She's my friend and that's all there is to it.

So tonight I give thanks to God for so many blessings. I thank Him for the love I have in my family. I thank Him for continuing to send His angels to watch over James. I thank Him for all the amazing blessings He has given me~~my home, my possessions, my health, my life.

And I thank Him for the friends that see me through the good and bad times. We all need 'em, and I thank God that He saw to it to give me a good one.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Obsessed or Just in Love?

What does this say about me as a mother? Am I obsessed with my girls or just a mother in love with being a mother? You tell me....

Yesterday was a Mom's Day Out here on post. Our post childcare facility opens up once a month for a day of free childcare for spouses of deployed soldiers. I've taken my girls to the Mom's Night Out service before so I could have dinner out with friends, but I've never utilized the Day Out program. I decided to give it a try this month so I could get some Christmas shopping done without little eyes nearby.

I dropped the girls off at 9 am and then went off to the gym to teach my 9:30 class. I was finished and home by 11am. I cleaned up with a shower, ate a quick bite, and then was off for my shopping by noon or a few minutes after.

I immediately had second thoughts about going out by myself. A part of me wanted to go pick up Morgan and take her out with me, just the two of us, so she could have some alone time with me. But then I wouldn't be able to buy any of her gifts with her around. I figured I'd just go on alone and do what needed done.

I was able to make a good dent in my shopping list and to be truthful the shopping does go much quicker and easier when you're not fumbling with seat belting kids in and out, holding hands crossing the parking lot, fidgeting with all the knick-knacks little hands tend to grab, and trying to steer the kids away from the toy aisle after they've spent too long there already. It truly is exhausting shopping with both kids in tow. So why did I miss them so much?

I can't really explain it but the whole day I just wanted to hurry up and get back to them. I wasn't worried about them being at the childcare facility. That wasn't it. I knew they were having a great time. It was just me. I wanted to be near them. I just like them so much. Isn't that something? Of course we all love our kids. We love them with our whole hearts. We love them so much it hurts. But how wonderful is it to be able to say we actually like them, too?

I love you girls, Morgan and Bethany. And what's more, I really, really like you, too. I like who you are and I like being near you and I like being your Momma.

I really like what that says about us.

A giggle to share

I'm at a loss for something really inspirational to write about today. I've sat at the computer for a while now trying to think of what topic to bring up this morning and I just can't come up with anything that suits my mood or my emotions. I guess that says I'm on a pretty even keel today, doesn't it? When there's no news that must be good news, eh?

So, for lack of anything more profound to talk about, I'll share a little funny story about Bethany since she hasn't made much of an appearance in my blog yet. I've shared this story with my parents and James, so if you three are reading this, enjoy the repeat chuckle.

Just a smidgen of background info: My Dad is quite the builder. Those of you that don't know him need to know this info for the story to make sense. Dad builds everything you can imagine from toy boxes for the kids to a gazebo in my parents' backyard to a sunroom addition to their home. It goes without saying that he's got a L-O-T of tools. 'Nuff said.

A few weeks ago the girls and I were eating dinner at the table and for some reason the converstation turned to fire and what to do if a fire starts in our home. It might've been fire prevention week at school, I don't really know. But anyway, I started quizzing the girls on what they would do if a fire were in our home, checking to see if they knew how to escape the house and not to diddle-dally around, just get out! I'm trying to be very thorough and matter-of-fact, covering all my bases with them, very business-like at the table. Morgan handles the questions pretty well. Then it's onto Bethy....

She does fairly well with the easy questions, like going out the front door if the fire were in the back of the house, or going out the back if the fire were in front. But then I ask her what she would do if the fire were at the front of the house and she couldn't get the back door to open. She says she would break a window. I asked her how she'd break the window to free herself. She said she'd have to go get a hammer. I ask her where she'll find the hammer if the fire is in the front of the house and we keep the hammer/nails/tools/etc in a closet in the front. She said, "I'd go to Papa's to get a hammer."

??????

That's my Bethy. Without even meaning to she can make me giggle and smile. She just plain makes my heart happy.

Just what I needed to wake up to this morning!

The first thing I do every morning, the thing that gets me out of bed and moving, the one thing (other than kids) that has turned me into a morning bird rather than the night owl I've always been, is check for email from James. This morning was no different than every other morning in that I hopped right out of bed and checked to see if he'd written to me while I slept. Hooray! There were two emails from him, one a birthday e-card, and the other what you will see below. I have no idea if this is his original work or if he "borrowed" it from somewhere else, and I really don't care. The words were beautiful and absolutely the reminder I needed that these fine lines on my face should matter not. The years don't matter. It is what we have done with those years that mean the most. Here is my treasured morning email...from my favorite soldier...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Instead of counting candles,
Or tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings,
As your birthday nears.
Consider special people
Who love you, and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life
Just by being there.
Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.
Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"

I would like to include a couple more phrases that I love, special gems that should remind us that it isn't about the end result, it is all about the journey....

"It isn't the number of breaths you take, but the number of moments that take your breath away."

"When your hourglass runs out of sand you can't flip it over and start again."

"These small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time fades away, but these small hours still remain."

And I'll leave this post today praying that God blesses me with a 33rd year filled with all the joys He wishes me to have, and all the happiness and love that I feel at this moment, and a 34th birthday next year with my best friend, my husband, at my side.

Be safe and be strong

Tonight I'm feeling a bit blue and missing my James. It's not easy to feel close to your spouse when you are thousands of miles apart, but up until recently the internet had kept us reasonably in touch. We'd email as often as we could and on lucky days we'd get to IM with each other. Those days may be gone.

James told me the other day that internet access is now being severly limited to the soldiers. It sounds as if our ability to IM each other is gone completely. Now we return to simply emailing when we can. We'd grown used to an almost daily, if possible, IM chat with each other. To return to emails alone seems like a step back into the dark ages for us.

Maybe it's the instant gratification that our society has come to depend on so heavily. Maybe it's just two souls who yearn to reach out for each other in the best way that our technology will allow. Either way, I feel that taking away our ability to IM with each other has taken the wind out of my sails. It's slapped me back into the harsh reality of what this war truly extracts from us.

It is not "just war." It's not some story for the news to cover in hopes of stirring the upcoming election pot. I wish others understood that. I wish they could feel the war the way those of us in the silent ranks feel this war. It's about more than just guns, firefights, KIA's, IED's, and so on. For the ones who wait back home this war affects every single aspect of our lives, from the moment our eyes open in the morning until they close at night. And even then, our dreams sometimes touch on what this war has taken from us.

Every soldier over there has a story. Everyone has a loved one of some sort longing for them to come home. Every soldier aches for American soil again. And every spouse back home hangs onto each last conversation, whether by phone, letter, or IM, wondering if it will be the last time you'll ever speak with your love.

How I wish I could hear the "ding" of my messenger telling me my sweetie is online. But tonight, and for many, many long nights to come, I know that sound will not arrive. And with the silence comes the sadness and loneliness that millions of others share with me tonight. May all our soldiers rest well tonight and see the sun rise tomorrow, and walk with God and His angels in the Hell that is Iraq.

Spring forward, fall back

What better day to reminisce about times gone by that on this beautiful autumn day when the brisk morning and refreshingly pleasant afternoon make me want to jump right into a leaf pile along with my children! As I remind myself to turn the clocks back tonight, a sure sign that another year has passed, I find myself reflecting on all the years that have disappeared since I became a Mother.

How truly fast time does fly. You never know it until you suddenly realize one day that your baby is no longer a baby. This picture of Morgan was taken right after she turned two, in my parent's yard in St. Louis. It seems like only yesterday that I was raking up the leaf pile for Morgan and watching her drown in the sea of autumn crunchiness.

Somehow, nearly overnight, she has grown, matured, and sprouted wings. Tonight she is at a sleepover with a friend, not her first and surely not her last by any means. Yet it seems like just days ago she was the little toddler in this picture, too young to dream of sleeping away from home, but old enough to have already supplied her parents with a lifetime of joy. I miss you, my sweet baby girl, and yet I love your independence. You were wonderful then and you are your best ever now.

Enjoy the fall, but never fall back, keep springing forward with all your might.

DARE to be awesome!

Alright, so it didn't turn out the be my next post, but here's the story of Morgan and her latest accomplishment.

Morgan is our amazing, little fifth grader. I say amazing in that she truly astounds us every day with her knowledge and skills. This girl is more than just bright, she's brilliant. This is not just a proud Momma talking, though I am that, too. This girl is really, truly gifted academically and we love to be amazed at all she knows and does.

This past Wednesday I attended her DARE (Drug Alcohol Resistance Education) graduation. Part of the fifth graders' requirements for the class was to write an essay on what they learned from DARE. Three winners would be selected, a first, second, and third place winner. Morgan wrote her essay and turned it in a few weeks ago. She had composed a poem to go with the essay and gave it her best effort. Earlier in the day she had told me how much she'd like to win but didn't think her essay was worthy of a prize as she'd written it as if it was the end of the school year, when the DARE graduation is typically held. She hadn't known when she wrote the essay that the graduation would be moved up many months. So she felt her essay had no chance of winning since it would sound out of place to be writing about the end of the school year, etc.

Long story shortened, her essay was the first place winner! She was thrilled and stunned and said she was shaking all over as she recited it to the crowd from the stage. I couldn't tell a bit that she was nervous but she said her whole body trembled.

I'm so proud of this little girl and think in wonder sometimes about what she might someday become. There's no limit to her potential, as is true of every child. They just need the encouragement to follow their dreams and the guidance to help them find that path. I know I'm not the only proud Momma out there, and this first place essay finish might sound like small potatoes to some people, but in our house the small victories are worthy of celebration, too. Every accomplishment is a moment for praise, for it is through praise that we find the courage to keep pursuing that which seems out of our reach. Suddenly the unattainable becomes the tangible, the dream becomes the reality.

I wonder which of Morgan's dreams today will be her reality tomorrow?

Halloween 2007

If you overlook the fact that Daddy was not with us then I guess you could say that, to my recollection, this Halloween was the best ever for my girls. They had such a fun time, more so than in years past. Here's why...

Where you live on post determines what school your children go to, just like most civilian communities have zoning that tells them what school to send their children to. We live in a housing area where our children should go to the neighborhood school closest to us. But a few years ago we chose to move Morgan from that neighborhood school to one in a different part of post, with school board permission. She's been attending that school for four years now, and Bethany went directly into that school last year for preK. It's a decision I've never regretted, though it means I drive them to and from school everyday, and that's just fine by me.

Anyway, because the girls attend a school in a different housing area than the one we live in they know more kids from the housing area that services their school, and know so few from our housing area. Taking them trick-or-treating in our housing area is never a huge thrill for them because they don't know the people whose houses they're going to, nor do they know the other kids on the street. Sure, it's fun because it's Halloween, but it's not a huge thrill. I know that now after witnessing what I saw in them last night.

I chose to take them to the other housing area, where their friends live, to get their candy game on. It was a huge hit! They walked door-to-door with their friends, loved seeing how their classmates looked in costumes, and giggled at all the freaky parents all decked out~~the same parents they see everyday running the PTO and volunteering in the classrooms. It was a hoot!

We missed James more than we can say, and had he been here, on his most favorite of holidays, we would've stayed closer to home and enjoyed the family time trick-or-treating together. But his absence would've weighed heavily on us had we stayed in our neighborhood, so we did something out of the ordinary that wouldn't make us feel his being gone quite so brutally.

I thought the girls looked wonderful and they truly were having the time of their lives last night. What joy it brings a mother's heart to see her babies giggle and grin, laugh and play, being with friends and being a friend. It's a gift from God.