A picture is worth a thousand words

Enough said.

T-minus 5 hours

Isn't that what mission control uses to countdown until liftoff? Well, it is now "T- minus 5 hours" here meaning it is about 5 hours from when James should be landing. Unbelievable that this day has finally arrived. I'm in shock and dumbfounded, thrilled beyond words, and nauseous.

Yep. That's right. I'm sick to my stomach. I'm certain it is mostly nerves and anxiousness. I wasn't even able to give it my all in class this morning because my stomach was churning so much. I wonder if other ladies go through these same emotions or if I'm the only silly one that gets this feeling in her stomach like a giddy bride on her wedding day. Jeesh, we've been married almost 14 years. I guess it's a good thing, though, to still feel butterflies after all this time. It means the spark is still there and the absence certainly made the heart grow fonder.

The wait will end soon enough. Until then I have oodles to finish up around the house. My next post will be after he's made it home!!!!

A great Mother's Day

Even without my daughters' father here to share in the day, it still turned out to be a great Mother's Day. I mean, really, isn't every day Mother's Day when you get to share in all the hugs and kisses from your very special angels sent from God to teach you how to be a better person?

My day began with two little voices telling me to wake up. They had slept in the living room so they could wake early and prepare a breakfast for me. I was greeted in bed by two slices of bread slathered in butter, a cut up orange, a whole apple, a huge glass of OJ, a vase of flowers (the same ones Bethy was given for her recital yesterday) and a parfait. Not just any parfait, mind you. This parfait was created by children after my sugar-addicted heart. It was layered in a glass as follows; cinnamon flavored choc. chips, semi-sweet choc. chips, sprinkles, cinnamon chips, choc. chips, sprinkles, and topped with thin mint cookies. Oh dear Heavens!!! What would the ladies at the gym think of this????

After enjoying what I could eat of the breakfast the girls had prepared for me we ventured downstairs where I was (finally!) greeted by an email card from James. He's still alright and his redeployment is inching ever so closer day by day.

The girls have been fantastic helpers to me all day long. I'd told them that what I wanted more than anything today was lots of help getting the house in order for Daddy's return. I wanted a more thorough cleaning than just our normal weekend tidying up. Everything I've asked the girls to do they have done, not always happily and cheerfully but still willingly. We've washed all the curtains, vacuumed out the crunchies under the couch cushions, scrubbed litterboxes, chased away dustbunnies, and all kinds of other little chores that pile up when you're busy living your day to day life.

I'm not finished with all that I need to do. Goodness knows I've put off a lot today in favor of that 30 minute nap on the couch, a little TV watching (we borrowed the Indiana Jones series from the library so Morgan could see what it's all about before going to the theater with her Daddy to see the newest release once he's home), and a few other lazy moments. But together the girls and I have accomplished a lot and I feel very happy about how the day has gone.

And to top off this most wonderful day, the Survivor finale is on tonight. That means 3 hours of Survivor for me tonight. Again, another thank you to James for getting me hooked on this show. I do believe I would make a great contestant. Hmmm....maybe James will help me get a video application ready???

Tomorrow is the last Monday of the school year as the girls have the 19th off for a teacher work day, and the 26th off for Memorial Day. Maybe after tomorrow we'll only have one more link to take off our paper chain we made when James left. We made it the day after he left home. When we made it I felt like one link for every day he'd be gone would make way too long of a chain and it would feel too overwhelming. So instead we made one link for each week he'd be gone, and Monday became our day for removing each week's link as it just felt like that was the day the week started for us. So tomorrow we'll remove one link and then by the next Monday we hope to know for certain that he'll be home before another week passes. Crossing fingers.....

What a blessing each day is, and all the sweeter because someone calls me "Momma."

A ballerina is born

Bethany performed in her very first ballet recital on Saturday, May 10th. She looked gorgeous and it was quite a treat to see her dancing to "Going to the Chapel" and enjoying herself on stage. After she'd received her trophy and a bouquet of flowers from her sister and I, she declared it the best day of her life. How precious!

Good news, bad news? No news...

Nothing to report. I haven't heard from James in two days. No phone call (that's nuthin' new since he's only called a total of 6 times in 14 months!!!) and no email (that's rare!). He usually emails every day or even a few times a day, but now I've heard nothing since Thursday morning.

They say no news is good news and I hope that's right. I'm not going to let my mind wander to the worst case scenario, though every one knows what that would be. Every single day of the entire deployment you dread the doorbell because you never know if "green suits" will be at your door. But I'm not going to think that right now.

I'm just going to continue to believe he's extremely busy over there, awaiting their Transfer of Authority. Only after that is complete can he leave Iraq.

And now I'm off to teach my rockin' Saturday morning class. Here's hoping for a massive turnout as I could use the class's energy to boost my mood!

Later on we've got Bethany's very first ballet recital, which I'll post pictures of when we get home. This Momma is gonna be sooooo proud!!! (note to self: put some Kleenex in your purse! LOL)

I spoke too soon

As I piddle the time away waiting for LOST to come on tonight (thank you to James for getting me addicted to that show!!!) I sit here thinking about everything I posted about earlier. And the more I think about it, the more the tears well up in my eyes. Why am I so sad? Why can't I feel more joy for my friends' reunions? Why do I feel so sorry for myself?

Well, as I think about it more and more and more (something I should not be doing, by the way) I realize that all these guys coming home now are drawing the same hazard duty pays that my husband is. Hazard duty pay is paid by the month, meaning if you are in a combat zone even one day out of the month, you get the full month of hazard pay. So these guys get the full month of May hazard pay. We're talking about $600 for the month. James will recieve the exact same pay, $600, but yet he has to endure an extra two weeks of combat to get exactly what these guys that are already home are getting. Doesn't seem fair, huh?

But the pay aside, in doing some soul-searching, I think what is tearing me up the most is that with every single minute that he is still over there he is in danger. I still worry that he could be taken from this life at any second. Yes, it's very true that it could just as easily happen here at home. When it's your time, it's your time. But dodging bullets and traveling suspiscious roads laden with IED's certainly seems to increase the danger, don't ya think?

So, no matter how close James is to coming home, every minute he stays in Iraq keeps me on edge. It keeps me fearful of the "what if's," It keeps me worried for his safety and wondering if a reunion is truly in our future. I can never be certain.

And yet my friends have had their reunions and for them that worry is over.

That's what I'm having a hard time dealing with.

I don't think James allows his head to 'go there' with all these thoughts the way I do. It's no good for him to let his mind think about all the injustices when there is a mission yet to be done. He focuses on what he's got to do and gets it done. That's why he's a great soldier. I admire his ability to suck it up and let it be. I wish I were more that way.

Switching topics slightly, as you read this would you please say a little prayer right now for PFC Kyle Little and SPC Blake Stephens who died in Iraq one year ago today. James was honored to know and lead these men and will probably wear the bracelet with their KIA information on it for the rest of his life. May Little and Stephens rest in peace and may their families be comforted on this sad anniversary in the knowledge that they were great soldiers and wonderful men.

I'm sorry this post, and the last one, have been such downers. Having this blog is an outlet for my emotions, and it helps to release what I'm feeling. You may not understand or relate to it, but knowing you all care enough to read is comforting. I know there are people out there who love us and want the best for us, too. Please keep James in your prayers. His family aches to have him home.

Back on track and feeling better

Better is subjective, though, isn't it?

Am I feeling better than I was during my last post when I thought James might not be home until early June? YES. It looks like he will, in fact, return in May.

Am I feeling great? NO.

I see my friends' husbands returning and I'm bittersweet about it. I am so happy that Angela's husband returned last night. Ladies in my classes at the gym have been welcoming their husbands home over the last several days. My friend and battle buddy, Teresa, will pick her husband up at the airport tonight. I'm thrilled for them. They have waited for this day as long as I have. But at the same time I'm sad that I'll continue to wait.

But I know it's not indefinite, God-willing. There is an end in sight. And I know full well that I am not alone in this, however alone it may feel. James will not be alone on his flight coming home. He will be in the company of two or three hundred other heroes, which means all those other families are waiting as long as I am during these final days and weeks. It just feels like each day is an eternity, especially when you're so anxious that it be your soldier that arrives at the airfield that night instead of your neighbors' and friends'.

In other news, the girls are doing fine and finishing up the school year. They will be done on May 28th, though neither one is anxious for summer vacation. Bethany loves school and being around her friends so she's not looking forward to a break from them. Morgan also loves school but is very nervous about entering middle school in August. She'll be a 6th grader at our post's middle school. It is a uniform school which doesn't thrill her, either. I'm sure she'll manage just fine but in the meantime she's working herself into a frenzy over it.

The three of us gals went to Chattanooga, TN with Morgan's Girl Scout Troop this past weekend. We toured Rock City, a cave, and the TN aquarium. They panned for gemstones, too, which was a highlight for most of the girls. All those cookie sales helped fund their trip so it was for a good cause.

Bethany has been in a ballet/tap dance class this school year and will finish off the year this weekend with a performace on Saturday afternoon. How she loves to dance and how badly I wish James would be here to see this. I'll purchase the professional DVD that will be filmed for us so he'll be able to watch it once he comes home. Bethany will be in a gorgeous white, fluffy tutu dancing to "Going to the Chapel." She is thrilled about it. No doubt she'll want to re-join the dance class when it resumes in the fall.

I'm still teaching my class, 7/week at the gym, though I'm having to make some adjustments to my schedule. I've had such a hard time with plantar fascitis over the last few months (since September) and knee problems that have crept up since I began trying to run in January. The running had to be put on hold, which is killing me to have to do, for the last couple months as the knee was just too unstable and I was worried I would injure it so badly I'd have to quit teaching temporarily. The foot problem has had me seeing a podiatrist who has told me I need to teach with less intensity, or take a break from it altogether. After months of trying to do things my way, I finally see that the good doctor is right. I have to listen to him if I ever want to be 100% again. I won't ever get back to running until I get healed completely.

So, I've agreed to alter my class schedule a bit, to take out two of my step classes (high intensity/impact) and substitute those with two aqua aerobics classes (low-to-zero impact). I'm not giving up all my high impact classes--I'll still have 5 of those every week. I'm just switching two out right now to see if that break on Tues and Thurs will be what I need to get my feet feeling better again. I've never taught aqua before, though I have taken aqua classes many times. I've got a lot of homework to do to study up and formulate my class agendas before my first class on the 20th of this month. I'm excited and scared and anxious and nervous all at once.

That concludes this update. Hopefully I'll have more exciting news to report soon.

Love to you all!

Wish I knew, but I don't

I was so looking forward to May 1st. As I went to bed last night I was psyched that this morning, May the 1st, I would FINALLY be able to say my husband would be home THIS MONTH!

Then I checked my email.

James sent me a message saying things are more up in the air with him than they had been. He no longer has any kind of estimate of when he'll be home, but I need to be prepared that he could get put on the trail flight, or worse, the "no joke" flight, which would be the last out of Kuwait.

That means early June, not mid May.

I know nothing is definite until he is on the plane, in the air, homeward bound. (BTW, I LOVE that movie!!!) I know that the end of a deployment can be as unsettling and emotionally exhausting as the beginning. I know that I should anticipate a roller coaster ride of emotions and accept that I can do nothing to change it so I might as well keep my chin up and continue 'soldiering on.'

And yet, that's easier said than done. When you've been without your partner, your lover, your best friend, for so long, all you want is to have them before you, able to reach out for their face, and feel them beside you, knowing the long separation has come to an end. Each day awaiting that reconnection is longer than the one before.

But I will endure. I will continue on. And if James is meant to be one of the last home then I'll accept it. After all, someone has to be on the last flight, right? Someone is always the first to go and someone has to be the last home. As long as he does come home that is all that should matter, right?

I need to remind myself of that over and over in the next few weeks whenever I feel myself slipping into a little pity-party. Other families only wish they would be so lucky as to see their soldier come home on the final flight.

Thank you to all of those who sacrificed it all. May you Rest in Peace and know that we are eternally grateful.