I spoke too soon

As I piddle the time away waiting for LOST to come on tonight (thank you to James for getting me addicted to that show!!!) I sit here thinking about everything I posted about earlier. And the more I think about it, the more the tears well up in my eyes. Why am I so sad? Why can't I feel more joy for my friends' reunions? Why do I feel so sorry for myself?

Well, as I think about it more and more and more (something I should not be doing, by the way) I realize that all these guys coming home now are drawing the same hazard duty pays that my husband is. Hazard duty pay is paid by the month, meaning if you are in a combat zone even one day out of the month, you get the full month of hazard pay. So these guys get the full month of May hazard pay. We're talking about $600 for the month. James will recieve the exact same pay, $600, but yet he has to endure an extra two weeks of combat to get exactly what these guys that are already home are getting. Doesn't seem fair, huh?

But the pay aside, in doing some soul-searching, I think what is tearing me up the most is that with every single minute that he is still over there he is in danger. I still worry that he could be taken from this life at any second. Yes, it's very true that it could just as easily happen here at home. When it's your time, it's your time. But dodging bullets and traveling suspiscious roads laden with IED's certainly seems to increase the danger, don't ya think?

So, no matter how close James is to coming home, every minute he stays in Iraq keeps me on edge. It keeps me fearful of the "what if's," It keeps me worried for his safety and wondering if a reunion is truly in our future. I can never be certain.

And yet my friends have had their reunions and for them that worry is over.

That's what I'm having a hard time dealing with.

I don't think James allows his head to 'go there' with all these thoughts the way I do. It's no good for him to let his mind think about all the injustices when there is a mission yet to be done. He focuses on what he's got to do and gets it done. That's why he's a great soldier. I admire his ability to suck it up and let it be. I wish I were more that way.

Switching topics slightly, as you read this would you please say a little prayer right now for PFC Kyle Little and SPC Blake Stephens who died in Iraq one year ago today. James was honored to know and lead these men and will probably wear the bracelet with their KIA information on it for the rest of his life. May Little and Stephens rest in peace and may their families be comforted on this sad anniversary in the knowledge that they were great soldiers and wonderful men.

I'm sorry this post, and the last one, have been such downers. Having this blog is an outlet for my emotions, and it helps to release what I'm feeling. You may not understand or relate to it, but knowing you all care enough to read is comforting. I know there are people out there who love us and want the best for us, too. Please keep James in your prayers. His family aches to have him home.